Woman's View:
Wife
Ladies, I've learned many things over the years and I'm still learning. One major thing that I've noted is that most of us learned how to be a wife from our own mothers. But, some have learned by observing and witnessing behaviors from other women or even from television and books.
The truth is that what we are today has been steeped (like tea) over the years. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship we had with our mothers. What matters is that our mothers influence or lack of influence (whether we like it or not) has influenced who we are. We may have to break an ugly cycle to become the wife that GOD intended. We may have to forgive our mothers for their training. We may have to retrain our minds.
First, I was able to witness my own mother and my grandmother as they were wives. Both of these ladies were vastly different. The next women that I observed as wives were my friends' mothers. They were all different, too. Then I was a wife. Oh my! I searched for answers in lots of places. There were a few ladies get-togethers. I call those Hen-parties because they ended up becoming man-bashing parties! You never see a hen walking with a rooster. They cluster together and cluck! Who could tell the most outlandish thing about their husbands? Did these hen-parties help my marriage? NO! Then there was "I Love Lucy!" What a mess! Ladies, we can't act like Lucy (or for you youger women reading this-- any television program diva) and get away with it! There were and are all sorts of books and magazines. How many times have you read about "How to tell if Your Man is Cheating on You!" Why are we continually setting ourselves up. Be very careful, you may be creating a self-fulling prophecy if you constantly imagine things like this!
We may wonder why being a wife is so difficult? When we begin to wonder these things, we need to seriously look within ourselves for answers to the tough questions. We need to get honest. Now, some of you are going to be just like I was and say, "Well, if he would only ...." (You fill in the blank because I know you've thought it even if you haven't said it out loud before.) Like I said, we need to be honest! You and I can only change ourselves! Do we swing about like a monkey with our feelings? Do our husbands have a chance? Do they know what to expect from us when they get up in the morning? Do they know what to expect when they are working? Do they know what to expect when they are enjoying their hobby? Do they know what to expect when they come home? Do they know what to expect when they go to bed?
I'd like to tell you that I found the answer back then and that my marriage did a complete turn around and we lived happily ever after, but that's not what happened. I will tell you that although that marriage didn't make it. The marriage I'm in now has made it and I am the one who changed. My life does not depend upon my husband making me happy. Did you get that... My life does not depend upon my husband making me happy! I am responsible for the way I feel and the way I view my life and the way I react to what happens in my life. I can either cause my husband to love and respect me more or I can drive him far from me.
Now ladies, I'm not talking about being dull and boring! I'm not talking about doing everything the same way every day. We would bore ourselves to death if we did that... I'm talking about your countenance. Your countenance is your appearance. This isn't your physical appearance, but it is the expression of your face that reveals the condition of your heart. Are you usually calm and composed, taking things in stride or are you seething and bitter, looking for a fight that you can win? Do you have a look of approval and encouragement or are you always frowning and damning? Do you offer moral support or do you make him want to suffer? Only you can answer these questions and you need to look on the inside of yourself to do it.
As we begin our search, we need to remember that JESUS came to save HIS people from their sins. Ladies, this includes us! We need to look in the mirror of our souls and stop lying to ourselves. We need to realize that we are either tearing our homes down or building them up. We need to remember CHRIST. Only CHRIST is faithful and will forgive us from our bad attitudes and behaviors. Bad attitudes are sins and only CHRIST can purify us and set us free to live in joy.
We all want joy, don't we? CHRIST said we can have it! PRIDE IS OUR ENEMY. Do you ever indulge in self-pity and convince yourself that your husband is not loving you the way he should. Maybe your feelings were hurt. You felt like he should automatically know what he did to hurt you. You were too proud to talk to him about it and you harbor anger against him. Does this sound like you? Be careful who you talk to about it. There are plenty of men-bashers who advise you to strike back, but anger will only grow. It is like a weed in the garden. If you leave the weed in your beautiful flowers, it will eventually crowd out the flowers and take over what once was beautiful and leave only what is ugly! We all need to weed out the pride so that we can nurture the tender flowers and we need to weed early or else we will not be able to get the bad root out.
Deal with your pride first by taking it to GOD. Pray that you and your husband will have a closer walk with the LORD. Forgive your husband, as GOD has forgiven you. Don't carry around an unforgiving spirit. Misery loves company and you will only attract others who are critical and miserable. This will not solve any problems. It's not easy to pray, but you must! There was a time that JESUS prayed, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." Ask the LORD for forgiveness of your own prideful sin and then ask HIM to forgive your husband's offence to you. Don't just ask GOD to forgive, you must forgive yourself and your husband, and then leave it all with GOD! CHRIST already shed HIS blood for this sin and these hurt feelings. Ask JESUS to return the joy to you, and ask that HE will grant you grace in your marriage to know what to do, say, and be. Then wait for the LORD to tell you what to do , say and be. This will be like cleaning the crystal of your chandelier before the light is turned on. The LORD will turn on the light and then you can let it shine!
GREED IS OUR ENEMY, too. Greed is being selfish. It is an uncontolled desire to possess something or someone. Look in the mirror again. Do you see a giver or a taker? JESUS said to go and give. This was the message to HIS followers. Are you HIS follower? If you are, then when you go and give, you are promised to receive an abundant harvest. It is not your outward works that you are receiving reward for. It is your giving spirit and your loving, cheerful heart that GOD blesses with abundance. CHRIST wants us to be givers and leave the rest to HIM. HE wants us to give even when we don't feel like it. HE promises to supply all our needs. HE also promises to give us the desires of our hearts! What a beautiful thought!
LACK OF KNOWLEDGE IS OUR ENEMY. We need to remember to hide GOD's word in our heart so we don't sin. Did you read that in the beginning GOD made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. You and your husband are a single unit that GOD joined. GOD expects each of us to know HIS WORD. HE expects us to study and know how the enemy tries to attack us. If the enemy can put anger and bitterness in your heart, then he has won a battle. We know satan cannot win in the end but sometimes we allow him to win battles here and there. It is up to us to put a stop to this. We need to stand with our husbands. We need to seek GOD in all things in our marriages. We need to love as we are loved..
But now you say, Monica, I know all this. I need practical solutions. What you really want is a list of "works" that work! I'm sorry but there are no works that work! My words here are somewhat abstract. It is not in these words that you will heal your marriage. Only CHRIST can heal your marriage! It is through the grace of CHRIST who has already bore your sins on the cross that you can be healed in your spirit. You must believe that HE is merciful to forgive you and make you whole again. HE will give you the grace that you need and HE can make your marriage whole if you truly give it to HIM. Pray for HIS intervention and guidance. Forgive when you need to and follow HIS path for you. Believe!
